Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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