u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
