The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
