is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
