I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
