I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
