Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
