I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
