I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Randomize
