i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
