I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
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