got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
