If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Randomize
