Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I have aggressive nipples.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
