Where did you get a picture of my penis
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
