I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
