Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Randomize
