Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
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