We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
