I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
