It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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