I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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