I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
