she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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