You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
