The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
