whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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