When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Randomize
