This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize