I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
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