I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize
