I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
