Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
