i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
