I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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