dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
