I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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