the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Randomize
