She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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