He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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