I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Randomize
