the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
