Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
We're too hungover to prance.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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