I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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