2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize