Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
