i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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