I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
