i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
