If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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