Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
