My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
