I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
