i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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