So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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