If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
